Please.

I have so much emotional baggage right now.

I’d hate to burden everyone with less than cheeky news, so if you’re having a bad day yourself, then by all means, please stop reading. However, a lot of readers have informed me that they actually appreciate seeing this side of me, and sharing real parts of myself that they can relate to, and right now, I just need someone to listen.

Although I seem like the happiest girl on earth- living the dream, working for the country’s best fashion magazine, having followers and a ton of clothes, being confident and independent- a lot of times, I feel miles away from being happy. I’ve made so many sacrifices to be where I am. I left my beloved family, I left all of my responsibilities, I left my supportive boyfriend, I left my caring friends- I left my home. I’m not trying to sound dramatic. If you’re thinking I’m a crying sap who just feels homesick- I’ve been there, I’ve been through that, and I chose to fight it. This is not it.

A lot of times, I cry myself to sleep, and try to convince myself that this is what I’ve been working for, this is my choice, and it should all be worth it. So, I suck it up, and face the next day with a false sense of direction, get through it, and find myself in the exact same position that next night. It’s not easy to make sacrifices. Its not easy to know you’ve let people down.

There are so many things I could tell you about right now. Stress taking its toll on me physically, less than encouraging events, finances and independence that comes with paying the bills, people- oh the people- who step on on you like you’re worth nothing at all- it’s not a pretty picture, and believe me, the list goes on. Maybe it’s all a part of this new life I’m living, maybe I just haven’t adjusted yet- and maybe someday I’ll eat my own words. But enough of that. Today, I need to talk about something a lot more pressing: a one day old baby girl, my niece, who is fighting for her life as we speak.

There are many things that cause complications during childbirth. Thankfully, my sister and WAGW brainchild, Diane had it easy. She delivered her second baby via painless C section yesterday morning, and she is completely well. Unfortunately, her baby girl did not have it the same. She is in critical condition, and I can’t help but cry a river every time I think about it. The doctors are trying to find the cause, but as of right now, it looks bleak. She is so young, so innocent, and she has her whole life ahead of her. To experience this much pain at such a young age is unfair. Its torture.

There are many possible reasons for this. One of which being, my sister getting sick while she was pregnant and transferring the infection to her baby. I remember Diane getting so stressed out at the WAGW construction last month at Abreeza Davao. The day before the grand opening, nothing was finished- no lights, no glass, no counter, no racks- NOTHING. The contractor had sweet talked his way into everything and ran off with the money. We paid him in full and got nothing in return. That, plus a million people who didn’t care and tried to milk us for what we were worth, knowing we were desperate to get the job done. She was 8 months pregnant, and dealing with a shitload of stress. She was contracting and experiencing pain. Meanwhile, I was all the way here in Manila being busy with my own life. I wasn’t there for her. That should have been ME dealing with those bastards. I gave her my word when I signed up for WAGW, and I should have gotten on the first plane to Davao to help her, but I didn’t. I had responsibilities of my own, which I thought were more pressing. I thought she didn’t need me that much, and that she could handle it on her own. This may have caused her to get sick, and pass it on to her baby.

WAS I STUPID??? YES. How could I have thought that any of my responsibilities are greater than the responsibility I have to my family. To be a good sister and be there for her when she needed me the most. To be a good daughter and obey my parents, when they (although not explicitly) wanted me to stay in Cebu. All I thought of was myself, I was selfish and I thought no one really cared. But I was blind, and although no one stopped me, I should have been smart enough to stop myself.

My one day old baby niece is alone in the intensive care unit, having so much done to her, when she should be at home with her new family, showered with love. My mom blames herself for her own reasons, as does my sister. I blame myself too. If anything could have been done to prevent this, I should have been at the forefront of it. Instead, I was so far back, I wasn’t even in the picture. I only took this business trip for her because it was pre-booked. What kind of sister am I? Someone, please punch me in the face.

Again, there are so many things to talk about. Where do I go from here? Decisions I have to make, more sacrifices, more responsibilities- more crying. The only thing I know for sure is that no responsibility is greater than the one you have to your family. I don’t know what I’m going to do anymore except take the first flight back to Cebu as soon as I can.

To everyone who cares, I hope you can light a candle or whisper a little prayer for the full recovery of my baby niece. Pray that she calms down, and doesn’t give up, pray that God stays with her, and comforts her frightened heart, and pray that very soon, she will be safe, and will never have to go through anything like this ever again.